When I was a little, I vividly remember reading through the “Choose Your own Adventure” series with my brother. We would often argue about what choice to make as we read through the pages, and my decisions were frequently the ones which would lead you down a path of doom. I can recall throwing the books on the floor in a fit of juvenile frustration and moving on to something like playing in the yard because, in my mind at that time, I had to re-read the entire book to make it back to the decision point where I had made the incorrect path choice.


Eraserhead Press’ “Ocean of Lard” is a twisted, perverted parody of the “Choose Your own Adventure” series, and you can’t put it down once you start. I read this one while I was on the road with SS WEB. We laughed in the van to the point of almost getting into car accidents while deciding whether to guide our adventuring protagonist on to an electric-eyeball ship, a rotting boat, or deep into a shady pirate village.


Due to the plot twists being so ridiculous and delightfully awkward, I don’t think that I can sum up the story for anyone in a few sentences. Let’s say it this way: you might storm a vagina-shaped island for treasure, you may get banged by a giant walrus man, you could possibly become a pirate-themed pornographic celebrity, and if you’re wise in your decisions you may end up electrocuting people with your reproductive organs.


Every page is gross, every story is written in poor taste, every character is terrifying in their exploits. Unlike the “Choose Your own Adventure” series, though, you won’t want to stop reading if you make the wrong decision. You’ll be laughing so hard at the morbid outcome of every scene that you’ll manically flip the pages to get to the next clusterfuck!


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Ando Ehlers | 
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